


Strawberries and cigarettes.

by pink_autumn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Bottom Castiel, Cheating, Closeted Character, Dubious Consent, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Smut, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Teenagers, Top Dean Winchester, but theyll switch, dean is a weird ass bitch but we love him yeet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-08-27 04:27:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16695430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pink_autumn/pseuds/pink_autumn
Summary: Dean knows who he is. He is Sam's brother. Anna's boyfriend. Benny's best friend. But a blue eyed gay nerd is making him feel like his reflection is someone he doesn't recognize.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one (1) vice. Starting new fics before I'm done with the old ones.  
> 

Strawberries and cigarettes.

Chapter 1.

 I nudged Castiel’s shoe with my own.

“Got a smoke?”

Cas bit his cheek, “nope.”

I rolled my eyes in annoyance, nursing my bloody lip as I sat on the hood of the impala with Cas, my anger abated but still on verge. Cas looked at me a minute, before sighing and digging into the pocket of his jeans.

“Here, take my last one.”

I looked up and smirked, “Knew it.”

He stared at me, as I placed his last cigarette between my teeth and took his lighter. My hand kept trembling though – from anger or nerves, I didn’t ponder – because Cas grabbed my hand to steady it – my skin heating up instantly at the contact. I inhaled, hollowing my cheeks, retaining the smoke a little before blowing out, and Cas pretended not to stare.

Taking two drags, I passed the cigarette to Cas.

“I can’t believe Benny punched me.”

“I can,” Cas shrugged, taking a drag and passing it back into my waiting hand.

“He _fucking punched_ me,” I said, still confused.

“You punched him back. _Twice_ ,” Cas smiled almost fondly at the memory. That fucker.

“But he _punched me._ What the fuck?”  

Cas laughed, taking the cigarette from me and taking the last drag, throwing the filter to the ground “In his defense, he did find you with your tongue down my throat in the locker room.”

I frowned, “No reason to punch me. He’s my best fucking friend.” I think Benny, out of all people, should just blindly accept everything I do. After all the fucked up shit we’ve done and been through together, me kissing Cas in the locker room wasn’t really _that_ weird. Was it?

“Pity he walked in when he did,” Cas grinned and looked at me, his eyebrows raised.

I laughed then. He could do that. The blue eyed boy sitting next to me. Make me laugh whenever.

“You’re such a dork,” I say, reaching forward, fisting Cas’ shirt and pulling him in. Our lips met with force, bruising against each other. Cas must taste the blood on my lips, but he opens up – pliable, willing, all mine. Castiel’s fingers graze my hair, blunt fingers dragging against skin and I hold onto his hips. Cas backs away suddenly – our mouths separating, his breathing is fast, erratic. 

We slide of the hood almost simultaneously. He makes it to the backseat faster than me, eager fucking thing. And our lips meet again as I close the car door behind me. My tongue slides over his and my hands are on him, all over him. I push up his shirt, my hands gliding against smooth skin and he groans into my mouth.

I pull his shirt off of him, while shrugging out of my own leather jacket. Castiel fights the buttons of my shirt with slightly trembling fingers, slight scarlet coloring his cheeks. We reach for each other’s zippers at the same time. I get his jeans off of him and grasp his cock, stroking once. Cas almost falls against me, his face in the crook of my neck, his breath washing over my skin. I stroke him again and he groans, jerking into my hand.

I pull off him. Leaning forwards and getting a small blue tube out of the glove compartment. He’s back on me before I’m even properly sitting. Our movements are urgent, fast, and edgy. I should prep him with three, don’t have the patience to though.

The backseat is small and Cas’ neck is against the door. But he doesn’t complain. He never complains. He groans when I enter him and he feels too fucking good. He says my name, again and again, voice husky, strained, choked up, and I keep kissing his stomach. He moves like every second is a second too long. I kiss him when he comes, nails digging into my shoulder as I move above him, swallowing every moan.

XXX

Sam looks up from his homework when I enter. His expression is annoyed and I can tell what the reason is before he says anything. He nods towards my room.

“She’s in there.”

I nod and smile. Anna’s in there. Sam hates her. But then again, Sam nearly hates everything God has created. That kid is weird. He either takes to someone from the beginning or dislikes them. There’s no in between.

Sam doesn’t get Anna. Sure she’s weird. And yes, she’s annoying and wears enough makeup for three girls and extremely short clothes. And she has those stupid platform heels that make her almost as tall as me. But we’re good with each other. Her stupidity and my unfaithfulness with a blue eyed beauty aside – we’re pretty okay.

We’re not fucking okay.

I enter the room and there she is. And behind her is my best friend from fucking forever. He told. _He fucking told._ Anna looks at me, her eyes holding accusations.

“Hey,” I say, glaring daggers at my best friend, who has a pale bruise on his jaw. My doing. And right now, I don’t feel at all sorry.

“Please tell me Benny’s lying, Dean,” Anna said, her lips pouting, “please tell me both off you are messing with me.”

“I would never.” Benny says, and he’s looking at me with the same accusatory gaze as Anna.

“Get out, Benny,” I say and Benny opens his stupid mouth to argue, but something about the glare I send him makes him rethink.

“I’ll leave you two to it then,” he says and goes out of the room, making sure to bang his shoulder as hard as he can into my side. Anna looks at me, her eyes teary. And that’s when reality hits me. I fucked up. Castiel with his dimple smile and blue sparkling fucking eyes made me fuck up. I fucked a dude. We fucked. And again. And again. I fucked him. I’m fucked.

“Anna, it’s not what you think.”

“Benny _didn’t_ walk in on you kissing Castiel Novak?” Anna says, her voice wavering and I walk to her, my hand touching her shoulder and she backs away – shying away from my touch. What the fuck?

“It’s not like that. He’s just. He’s _Cas_ ,” I say, as if saying his name would miraculously explain everything.

“ _Exactly,”_ Anna says, her voice rising a little and I look to the door. Sam’s outside. Anna follows my gaze and closes her eyes, sighs, and speaks lower, “It’s Castiel. It’s a guy, Dean. Are you… are you like _him?_ ”

I narrow my eyes. What the _fuck_ is she insinuating. I’m like Cas? That I’m a faggot.

“What? Anna, no. I like _girls,_ ” I hold her arms again and she lets me. Progress. “You of all people know how _much_ I like girls,” I smirk and she smiles a small confused smile.

“Then what…?”

I sigh, “Castiel. He was just. I just experimented.”

She makes a face, “You kissed a guy.”

That’s when it hits me. They know only about me _kissing_ Castiel. They think we had teenage raging hormones and made out. They have no idea how deep I am with the boy. And like the asshole I am, I’ll use that to my advantage.

“I was just…playing, Anna. Cas is my friend. We were just. It’s nothing.”

She looks mildly convinced now. And I know she’s not going anywhere.

“You punched Benny,” she says.

And he fucking deserved it, I nearly say. He insulted Castiel, and punched _me._ The fucker. I’ll talk to him later. Get him back.

“He punched me too,” I say and her eyes lower to my slightly swollen lip, “And called me a fag.”

“And you’re not,” she says, more to herself than to me. I roll my eyes at her and sweep her to me. Kissing her with the taste of Cas still on my tongue. She tries to lift up my shirt but I shake my head slightly. If she does that, she’ll see the mark Cas left on my shoulder. The boy bites there when he comes. She’ll see, and I can’t have that, now can I?

I break the kiss and she breathes deeply, her forehead pressed to my shoulder.

“You scare me with your fucked up shit, Dean,” she says, her breath washing over the mark Cas left.

She has no _idea_ how fucked up my shit can get.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment. And leave kudos. both are appreciated and cherished.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, this is my first ever work not done in third person. Please be kind. ily.

Chapter 2:

Castiel is standing by his classroom, talking to his redhead friend I think is called Charles or something, a girl who gives Cas a run for his money when it comes to all-things-nerdy and is currently leaning against the doorframe of the class. I walk to him with determination. The redhead girl looks at me and smiles.

“Hi, Dean.”

“Uh…hi?”

I look at Cas, “Can we talk?”

He looks at me, worry flickering in his blue eyes for a split second before he nods.

“I’ll see you later, Charlie.”

The girl nods back, “Catch you both later.” She hauls herself off of the doorframe she’s leaning against and goes inside the classroom. I nod at Cas and start walking, knowing he’d follow. He’d follow me anywhere. We walk for a little while and we reach the auditorium. I open the door and usher him inside. As I close the door, he eyes me with apprehension.

“I...have class, Dean,” he says, and I look at him in confusion.

“What?” I ask.

“I mean…we could try to be _very_ quick?” he says, frowning. 

I huff. He thinks I brought him here to fuck him. He really thinks I’d fuck him in school. He thinks we could be quick enough. Could we?

“That’s not why I brought you here,” I say and it’s his turn to be confused.

“Why the secrecy then?”

I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. I can feel the headache approaching.

“She found out, Cas. Benny told her,” I say, and he frowns.

“Anna?” he asks and I nod.

“She’s breaking up with you?” He asks, and I ignore the tinge of hopefulness he’s trying hard to conceal.

“What? No.”

“Then?”

I sigh.

“Benny told her he saw me kissing you,” I say, “they don’t know about…anything else.”

Castiel’s face is stone, “About you fucking me, you mean?”

I try not to flinch. I fail.

“Yes. That.”

“So what, you told her it was stupid Dean doing stupid things?” he asks.

“Yeah, more or less,” I laugh, trying to make a joke out of it. He doesn’t smile. It isnt funny.

“Say what you came to say,” he says.

“I can’t. We can’t do this anymore.”

Cas nods, “You mean we can’t lie about it anymore? I never wanted –”

 “No,” I interrupt him, and he looks at me, blue eyes waiting, “We can’t sleep together anymore, Cas. It’s wrong. I’m… I’m with Anna.”

Something akin to hurt flickers across his face, but it’s gone as fast as it came. He can do that. Turn off emotions like a fucking switch. He nods.

“I understand,” he says. He’s not looking at me. He’s looking at the floor. I told him not to fall for me when this all started. He said he wouldn’t. This shouldn’t hurt him.

“You probably saw it coming, right?” I smile at him, trying to catch his eye.

“I totally did,” the corner of his mouths lift up.

“Yeah?” I ask, my insides folding in on themselves, settling into my body and burning there.

“Casual sex arrangements shouldn’t be kept on for too long, anyway,” he says to the floor, and I nod.

“Yep.” Casual sex. He just called me casual sex, that fucker.

“They get boring and then become a drag,” he says and he looks up at me then, and I see it. All of the walls the boy had, the walls I’d worked so hard breaking down, were back up. He didn’t become a drag. He lifts me up. Makes me feel like I can conquer the fucking world.

“I have class,” he says, and I kiss him. His eyes widen slightly, and I keep kissing him, chasing something and discovering something at the same time. His teeth are clamped shut. He’s not letting me in. I keep kissing him, getting him to yield. He bends. He bends. He breaks. He opens, his tongue sliding against mine as he groans. I swallow every sound he makes. My hands reach the hem of his shirt.

He throws me off of him. He’s shaking his head profusely, wiping his mouth. His breathing is irregular. My eyebrows draw together in confusion and I start towards him again. He stops me with a hand to my shoulder.

“We’re not doing this, anymore,” he says, more to himself.

I nod, “we aren’t.”

He looks at me, looks at my lips, fists my shirt and kisses me. His hands are holding my face. My hands are carding through his hair. He breaks the kiss as abruptly as he initiated it. His forehead rests against mine, his warm breath washing over mine.

“This is over,” he reaffirms.

I kiss him, a gentle slide of skin against skin. We separate. I nod.

He pulls me in, his head rests against the crook of my neck, making the difference in our heights more apparent. I hold him, breathe him in. I count to three and I let him go. He steers around me without another word, opens the door of the auditorium and walks out.

This is over.

XXX

Anna’s waiting for me at lunch, messing around with my guitar. I’m pretty sure she’ll break a string someday. Benny is sitting next to her.

My eyes roam around the café for a raven haired boy. It’s been two days since I told him we couldn’t continue doing what we were doing. I hadn’t seen him in school since. At first, I thought he was being a bitchy drama queen and probably home watching the notebook and eating pizza. But he hadn’t been in school for two days.

Castiel never missed school. He was too much of a nerd to do that. Plus, he had acted like he couldn’t give two flying fucks about me when I had given him the news. He had practically called me casual sex.

Where the fuck was Castiel Novak? I looked around the cafeteria again. Spotting who I was looking for, I call her name and start walking in her direction.

“Charlie!”

She turns, she looks at me, she frowns, she turns away and continues walking. Fuck, she knows. A part of me wants to find Castiel at this exact moment and whack him on the head with one of his huge novels. Why the fuck would he tell anyone? Take that risk.

I call her again and she turns, sighing.

“What?”

I stop. Her eyes are swollen, she’s been crying.

I grab her elbow, “Charlie, what is it? is it Castiel? Where is he?”

She looks at me. She blinks.

“You don’t know?”

“What?”

“Something happened with the Novaks, Dean. Cas…he –”

“ _What?”_ I hiss. What has that stupid boy done now.

“He isn’t home, Dean. I don’t know where he is.”

Her voice breaks as she says it. And I feel my heart constrict.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and kudos? maybe? thank you?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. One long chap got ya dudes

Chapter 3:

Where the fuck was that boy and what had he _done?_ I tapped by pen furiously against my desk all through chemistry and as soon as the bell rang, I ignored the significant guilt-tripping glares Benny was sending my way, and ran out the class.

My hands trembled slightly as I start the impala and drive towards the Novak’s house. I’d been there twice before. One Christmas, one thanksgiving. I remember Sam’s chiming laughter and the smells of cookies and gravy. I remember Mr. Novak making everyone strictly say their prayers before the food. And as I stop the car in front of the grey white house belonging to Castiel’s family, I can almost see Cas sitting on the porch stairs with his chin on his knees waiting for me and Sam to arrive.

I raise my fist to knock at the door but before I can however, the door swings open and Gabriel steps out. His eyes widen slightly when he looks at me and he glances back into the house in alarm, before grabbing my arm and steering me away from the house.

“Where’s Cas, Gabe?” I ask as he pulls me into a small alley between two houses, “What happened?”

“He found out, Dean,” Gabriel stares at me – through me, and I feel like the two walls of the alley are closing in and cutting off oxygen.

“How?” I ask, the tremor in my voice surprising both me and Gabe.

“Someone from school. Someone told him.”

“What happened, Gabe?” I’m not sure I want to know. I still ask though.

“He screamed and shouted…” Gabe says, his eyes glazing over as I wait for the inevitable.

“He hit him, Dean.”

There’s suddenly a bad taste at the back of my throat. The taste of poison. I remember Castiel’s father on the table, praying. The strict Christian man.

“What did he do?” my voice is hardly audible, and Gabriel probably hears it because he’s waiting for me to ask.

“He almost broke Castiel’s arm.”

I close my eyes. Count to ten. Open them.

“Where is he?”

“He…he ran away from home. No one knows where he went, Dean.”

I stare at him. If anyone knows where my boy is…

“Let me rephrase,” I say, my voice almost a growl, “Where the fuck is he, Gabriel?”

Gabe’s eyes widen slightly – in fear or surprise – I don’t ponder.

XXX

It’s not difficult to intimidate Gabriel, I’ve learnt. I stop and lock the car in front of the motel Gabriel told me about. I don’t stop at the lobby. I know which room is his. There’s music coming from inside the room. He’s playing the guitar. And he’s singing. His voice deep and monotonous where mine is strong and layered. It’s what brought us together. Music. I knock twice on the door.

The music stops and I mourn for it. I knock again, harder. The door opens slightly. He looks at me. He shuts the door.

What. The. Fuck?

I knock again, resisting the urge to kick the door.

“Open up, Cas,” I shout, and knock again.

The door abruptly swings open and my fist stops in midair as I stare at him, stupefied. There’s a big purple bruise on his jaw, and his wrist is in a band aid. It’s probably a sprain, I tell myself. Gabriel’s known to exaggerate. But even then, I cannot stop the helpless ache that spreads through me. He’s hurt. He’s beautiful.

He glares at me, looking like he might punch me. Then he breaks. His eyebrows twitch slightly as he blinks quickly – and then he’s pulling me into him. His breath washes over my neck as he buried himself into me, his chin resting on my shoulder.

“You good?” I whisper, and he nods against me.

“Who told you?” He asks, getting off of me.

“Gabe.”

“Figures,” he scoffs, “So…why are you here?”

I raise my eyebrows. The fuck does he think he means? I’m here because he’s hurting. I mean…I’m not that selfish.

“I thought you might need me.”

“For what?” he says, smiling even though there’s hardly any humor in this situation.

For _what?_ I don’t know. Moral support? A shoulder to cry on? Someone to kiss? Preferably the latter. I’m not picky. Not when it comes to him.

“I thought –”

“You thought what,” he says, “now that my dad’s treated me like shit, we can suddenly relate.”

I feel like someone just punched me. _Fine,_ he thinks he can aggravate me. Well, he won’t. I’ll take what he throws at me.

“Cas, listen,” I take a step towards him and he raises a hand – halting me.

“I don’t want your pity, Dean”

“This…this isn’t pity, Cas. It’s… it’s care.”

He scoffs. He doesn’t believe me. I don’t believe me. This is pity. It’s thick in the room.

“Hey... listen,” I start again, “this isn’t the way. You can’t run away. We can talk to you dad. I’ll talk to him.”

“I’m not going back there, Dean.” He says, attempting to fold his arms on his chest, hurting his wrist and flinching, and giving up.

“Cas, where are you going to go?”

“That’s not your problem.”

I frown. The hell it isn’t my problem.

“Of course it is, Cas.” I reach for him, contact. And he pulls away as if burnt.

“You’re done with that, remember?” he says, and I flinch.

“Yeah, but…”

“I don’t want your pity, Dean.”

“What is wrong with you?”

So much for not getting angry.

Cas glares at me, “one minute you want to, the next you don’t.”

God. Fucking a girl and fucking a gay dude are equally exhausting. Both are dramatic as hell. 

“You know who told my father, Dean?”

I raise my eyebrows and Cas laughs.

“I’ll give you a clue,” he says, “She has red hair and hates my guts.”

My eyes widen and my heart skips a beat.

Anna.

“No,” I whisper.

“Yeah,” he nods, smiling, “That little _bitch_.”

“Hey!” I say without thinking. Mistake uno. Castiel glares daggers at me.

“You’ll still defend her?” he asks, disbelief evident in his voice.

“She… She’s not that bad, Cas. You probably don't even know for sure,” I shrug and he stares at me for two whole seconds before grabbing my arm with his good hand and steering me to the door.

“Wha…?”

“Get out,” he whispers.

“Cas wait,” I say, but he walkes out with me, dragging me to the stairs of the motel. Okay, enough manhandling for one day. I place a hand on his sternum and shove him into the wall of the corridor.

“Let me go,” he tries to use his body strength to get me off of him, and I shove him back at the wall.

“Stop,” I hiss.

“Fuck you,” he spits at me, his voice dripping venom.

I keep holding him to the wall, till he calms down and his breathing evens a little. I lift my hand from his chest and take a step back, only to come back in when he fists my shirt and kisses me. I respond automatically, regardless of the fact that we’re standing in the corridor of a really sleazy motel where any homophobic old man with a rifle could walk up on us. Not that I’m homosexual. He groans into my mouth and my fingers card through his hair.

We separate and he says a single word.

“Leave.”

“Castiel,” I say.

“Leave her. Or leave me,” he says, and I stare at him. Is he fucking serious?

“Cas… we are not. You aren’t. I told you before it started.”

“I know what you said, Dean. It wasn’t supposed to mean anything. Now it does.”

“No. It doesn’t,” I say, ignoring the pang of guilt I feel.

“If it didn’t, you wouldn’t be here.”

“Cas. Anna…”

“Is a _sleazy, backstabbing piece of shit.”_

I’ve never seen him this angry. It’s slightly fascinating. But now he’s pissing me off.

“Don’t talk about her that way.”

Cas looks at me. Looks at the floor. Nods twice to the dirty carpet on the floor.

“Goodbye, Dean.”

What. No.

“Wait.” I reach out for him, and he turns and punches me. It’s unexpected and it hurt.

“What the actual fuck?”

“What do you want from me?” His voice has risen, his sentences trembling.

“You don’t get to walk away from me,” I say, ignoring how stupid I sound.

“Dean Winchester,” he scowls at me, “contrary to what you think, you do not own the world. I hope you grow old with Anna. Maybe she’ll drive you completely insane.”

“Shut up!”

“No, YOU SHUT UP!” Cas shouts, his voice echoing in the corridor, and I shut up. Like a dog having been told that he has been a bad, bad dog.

“You think you can tell me what to do? You really can’t. You’re honestly going to choose her over me?”

Choose? Is there a choice? What exactly does he think is going on here? I was never going to choose him. There was never any choice – it’s a damn fling, if even that. That was made clear. No one falls for anyone. And Anna’s not perfect; she’s made some bad decisions just like I have. But we can work. He can’t go around throwing accusations.

“Choose?” I repeat incredulously.

He looks at me with hatred in his eyes, “Forget it.”

He rounds me and starts walking to his room. I reach for his arm.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he hisses at me.

“Well, that’s a first.” I say.

“Fuck you.”

“No listen,” I say, “We have sex, Cas. We’re not a couple.”

His jaw is set as he nods, “I get your point.”

“Do you? Because I made that explicitly clear when we…”

“Stop,” he interrupts me, “Just please, stop talking. I get it.”

I nod, “Let’s get you back home then.”

“No,” he turns back to walk to his room.

“Cas, wait!”

He turns to face me, and I’ve never seen him like this. He’s been angry, pissed off, sad, reserved, but this is all of those things at once, like there’s chaos inside him that he’s trying to contain but is barely managing it, “I’m leaving, Dean.”

“You can’t fucking leave,” alarm crawls up my spine as i realize he isn't kidding. He can’t go.

“Watch me.”

“Castiel!” I say, like repeating his name will make him change his mind. The panic has set in now as I realise that he’s not kidding. He’s angry, overreacting, being irrational.

“You can’t leave,” I say.

“Give me one good reason not to,” he turns to me, and the hope I see in his eyes breaks me. He needs an excuse. But I can’t be that excuse. He waits. He nods.

“Happy living, Winchester. I’m fucking gone.”

He opens the door to his room and leaves me standing in the corridor. Into the room with a single mattress, a duffel bag and a guitar. The broken kingdom he’s choosing over me.

_“Happy living, Winchester. I’m fucking gone.”_

And just like that. He is.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment and kudos. Also sorry if there are mistakes.


End file.
